Warning Signs

Remember also that abusers are often very charming and convincing to everyone - including their partners, until the abuse starts - and then they often continue to be very charming to everyone else except the person whom they are trying to maintain control over.

This often has the effect of making the victim think 'it must be me, it must be my fault', especially since the abuser is usually telling them it is. It can also make the victim feel awkward about telling other people because s/he won't seem plausible because they only know the abuser’s 'nice' side.

The single biggest warning sign is:

• If the abuser has been in a violent relationship before. Abusers rarely change.
• Don't make the mistake of thinking 'it will be different with me – s/he didn't treat him/her right'. It's also worth remembering that although there are some men who are abused, almost without exception, every abuser claims that s/he was really the victim.

Other possible warning signs are:

• The abuser puts your friends down and / or makes it difficult for you to see them.
• The abuser loses their temper over trivial things.
• The abuser has very rigid ideas about the roles of men and women and can't / won't discuss it reasonably.
• The abusers mood swings are so erratic that you find yourself constantly trying to assess his/her mood and only think in terms of his/her needs. A healthy relationship has give and take.
• It's difficult for you to get emotional or physical space away from the abuser - even if you directly ask for it. And if you do get it, you are  'grilled' you about where you've been and who you were with.
• The abuser criticises you all the time - about your weight, your hair, your clothes, etc.
• The abuser makes all the decisions in your relationship and ignores your needs or dismisses them as unimportant.